BarbaWire, Jan. 31

SnOMG! It is totally the snocalypse! Snomageddon!

Chicago – and I suppose other places, who knows – are facing the worst snow storm in, well, that depends on who you ask. Some weather watchers are saying that it will be the worst since 1999. Others said it will beat the record set in 1967. The office manager at my job just Facebooked that she heard it could the worst snow storm in the country’s history. She might just be crazy…but don’t tell her I said that, she scares me.

I may regret saying this, but I am kind of looking forward to it? More.
Quick story! So, in 2003 I was living in fraternity house in Boulder and was exactly one of two liberals in the entire house. There was a blizzard the day the U.S. started bombing Iraq. While all the conservatives were salivating over the footage on Fox News, the other liberal and I were on the roof shoveling the very wet and very heavy snow. It totally would have collapsed the roof. We decided to have some fun; we made the biggest snowballs (they were seriously at least five feet tall) and pushed them off the roof. SNOW BOMB. Who knew conservatives screamed that loud?

Stability in Egypt
I am really not well versed in Middle East politics, but I found this article about the West’s fixation on “stability” in the region very interesting. Read.

Super Downsize
In its latest Dietary Guidelines, the Agriculture Dept. is advocating for Americans to eat less and eat better. The guidelines are getting a lot of buzz because of the directness of the “eat less”
part.

I am going to only pay attention to that part and order the medium fries next time. More.

Priorites, Congressman
Hmm, should House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) really be talking up his golf game? Glad to know our lawmakers have so much free time on their hands to play 120 rounds of golf during a year when Americans are losing their jobs, homes and, oh, faith in their government. Side Eye.

Vroom, Vroom
Too Fast Too Young Too Furious? Whoa.

Fighting for Second?
Rahm Emanuel has the Chicago mayoral race on lock, but that hasn’t stopped the other candidates from throwing mud back and forth. On Sunday, former U.S. Senator Carol Moseley Braun didn’t take kindly to Patricia Van Pelt-Watkin’s accusation that Braun has not been as present in the black community of the South Side so she naturally brought up her past and called her a crack head. DAMN.
Watkins didn’t like that. Apparently, she has a case of the Whitney Houstons. She may have been hooked on the coke, but definitely not the crack. Crack is whack!

Bonus clip!

Here is a clip of the Today Show from the early 1990s. Bryant Gumbel, Katie Couric and correspondent Elizabeth Vargas talk about this scary place called the world wide web. Gumbel is unsure about the @ symbol, Vargas apparently thinks it is connected through telepathy and Couric, well, Couric knows it is the wave of the future. Don’t feel bad, guys, it is 2011 and my mom still thinks “LOL” stands for lots of love. LOL.

BarbaWire, Jan. 28

Egypt Erupts, Disconnects
Egypt is in chaos. Thousands of protesters are flooding Cairo calling for the end of President Hosni Mubarak’s 30-year rule. I can’t even begin to break down everything that is going on, but The Huffington Post has this incredible (and incredibly slow, at least on my computer) update page on everything going on there.

The most startling thing has been the total shut-off of the Internet as the government tries to keep Egyptians cut off from the rest of the world. This Washington Post article discusses how a country just turns off the Internet.

OK, Then.

The Washington University student health advisory committee thought it was a good idea to bring Bristol Palin to speak at the school for its “sexual responsibility week” in February. Sexual responsibility, you say? Haven't we suffered enough? That’s like asking inviting Sarah Palin to lecture on, well, anything. Bristol Palin agreed because the school was going to pay her $20,000 and a girl’s gotta eat.
The good students of Washington were not having it, though. And the school pulled out.

In related news, my lecture on astrophysics has also been cancelled. More.

Collision of the Bergs
This post is best told through my interpretation of Stefon: This Saturday night New York’s hottest club is SNL. This midtown studio finally answers the question: Is it even funny anymore? It has everything, moms with fupas, drunk frat boys, Jalapenos (Dutch Filipinos) Florida tourist freaks, lucha libre wrestlers, funny Jews that hang with Pee Wee Herman, one-trick ponies, overworked character actresses, plastic wrapper rappers, that kid that looks like Michael Cera, that guy that looks like the guy that looks like Michael Cera but is worth more than $50 billion. YES! Yes.Yes.Yes.Yes.Yes.

A Happy New Year Indeed
There goes her resolution of clearing old numbers from her phone. Boom.

Numbers v. Numb#rs
The Minnesota Timberwolves are trying to get their boy Kevin Love a reserve spot for the All-Star Game next month. Since the Timberwolves suck and can’t get him based on their stats, they are resorting to stunts. Love is coming out with a fragrance, Numb#rs, that they hope will get him on the team. I am sure as an ode to White Diamonds, they filmed a commercial in black and white, too. Hey, those have always brought a friend of mine luck. More.

Love said it smells like “good-smelling sweat.” I just hope it smells better than this. Nast. We get it Lady Gaga, you are edgy. Now just go away.

What the What?

Tracy Morgan called Sarah Palin "good masturbation material" on Inside The NBA on Thursday night. Why that woman was brought up on that show is beyond me, but this is messing with my very tired mind! Tracy (at least theoretically) spanks it to a woman that Tina Fey, who is both his fictional and actual boss on 30 Rock, has so famously portrayed. That's just uncomfortable and AWESOME. More.

Return of Rahmbo

And just like that, he is back! The Illinois Supreme Court has ruled that Emanuel can run for mayor of Chicago. More.

Of course, I will be laughing at this all night.

BarbaWire, Jan. 27

Samoas Are Safe
Here we are thinking the world is on the mend. Turns out in this economy not even Girl Scouts can catch a break! Girl Scout cookies are getting scaled back, with some cookies getting dropped. OK, calm down, this is not going to be like the Mother’s Cookies panic of 2009. They are just getting rid of the ones that no one likes. Or more importantly they are not getting rid of the ones I like. (Having said that, who is slangin’GS cookies in Chi?) More.

This story, however, fails to answer the age-old question: Are they made with real girl scouts?


Smiley Sam
It is all double rainbows and unicorns for billionaire Sam Zell. Zell tells Forbes that entrepreneurs like him are always optimists. Entrepreneurs don’t do failure, ok?
Zell famously acquired media company Tribune Co. in a leveraged buyout in 2007 that ultimately landed the company in bankruptcy in late 2008.
Yeah, that was not a failure at all. It was an epic effing disaster. More.
Zell also told Forbes that “The media loves nothing more than to cover the media. . . . I just don't need to be the media's bitch anymore."
I don’t know if I would call you our "bitch," little buddy. We just don’t like when you talk to one of us like this.


Shut Up and Squat
I like the frills at my gym. And I will like them more when all the resolvers get the hell out of there. More.

High Time
One day back in 1979 Mark Steven Phillips decided he didn’t feel going to court. He was on trial with 13 others for his involvement in pot smuggling with the “Black Tuna Gang” in South Florida.
Phillips spent the next 31 years on the lam, living in Chile, Germany, New York City and eventually working his way back down to West Palm Beach where he got a driver’s license with his real name. He was even living in Del Boca Vista!

Well, he was busted. The judge he stood up 31 years ago has been waiting for him. More.

Related, (well, sorta. I just didn't want to write two pot headlines): Mexican authorities have seized a catapult that was used to get dope across the U.S. border. So, you’re telling me that a device from the Middle Ages is a great solution to clear a national defense barrier also from the Middle Ages (and earlier)? Huh, who knew? More.

That's What She Said
Will Ferrell has signed on for a four-episode arc on The Office. Steve Carell is leaving the show and Ferrell will be in charge for at least one episode. I am trying to decide if Ferrell is more of an Olivia or a cousin Pam on the jump-the-shark meter? More.

BarbaWire, Jan. 26

Hey Peeps!

Hope you all had a great Wednesday.

-B


Fear No More or No Less.
No more orange days! Woo hoo! Terrorism is over? No, we are just going to take a more localized and less scaremongering approach to warning people about potential terrorist situations. Is this because Obama doesn’t love America? Right?
Or the administration found that having Boehner’s natural hue for nine consecutive years – OK, there may have been a red or yellow day here and there – is not all that effective in keeping people aware. Or scared. More.

Mmm, Beer.
Draft Magazine has picked the 100 best beer bars in the U.S. I’ve hit all the Chicago ones and the one mentioned for Denver. (Side note: how on Earth did Colorado only get one? Travesty.) Anyway, who is up for a road trip? Who wants to be DD? More.

Obama, Please Take Notes Then Call Fox News
On Tuesday night Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi was tired of hearing his name and ther term "Bunga Bunga" on a talk show, so he called in and launched a two-minute rant.
Berlusconi is under investigation for throwing lavish sexy time parties where he propositioned a 17-year-old girl. The Time story discusses the racy TV culture in Italy that has largely been cultivated by Berlusconi. My favorite line in the story: The country's Minister for Equal Opportunity is a former topless model who Berlusconi once told he would "marry in an instant." Now why can’t US politics be that fun? More.

Higher Taxes or New Jersey?
New Jersey is running newspaper ads that try to lure Illinoisans and their businesses to the Garden State. You see, our state taxes are going up, so NJ governor Chris Christie thinks he can lure us there. More.
While I appreciate your offer, Guv, I think I’ll stay put. No offense to New Jersey – your state is filled with plenty of good people such as this delicate lady and recently this talented photographer, but you also have this dude.

A Galaxy Far, Far Away That Is Going to Keep Me Up for Hours
The Hubble has found a super old galaxy. Its light has been traveling to us for 13.2 billion years. That is about as far as I got into the article before my mind started to wonder about the vast abyss of the universe and how we are just a speck and how the sun is a star and someday that star will burn out and we will all freeze. Naturally, that moves me on to the whole concept of death and eternal life.
Please pass a paper bag, man, I’m freaking out! I have a hard enough time imagining that my parents existed before I was born. My mind is not ready to deal with galaxies that are billions of years old. More.

BarbaWire, Jan. 25

Hey Peeps!

Here is today's BarbaWire, marking two straight weeks of it. Any thoughts? Any misfires? Let me know!

Also, American Banker is a paid site, but today they made my story free. You should read it if only to see the kinds of things I cover. Here.

-B

And Music Has Never Been the Same
Bob Dylan arrived in New York City 50 years ago this week. That is indisputably the coolest fact I’ve ever heard. In honor of the occasion, I listened to this and searched this all day. More.

With All Due Respect...
You know, when you are facing 107 years, you might as well do it with gusto. More.

Clearly, Zaire Paige knows his Ricky Bobby.

Rahm Supreme
Just when you thought he was out, Rahm gets pulled back in. On Tuesday, the Illinois Supreme Court said it would hear Chicago mayoral candidate and former chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel’s residency case, putting a stay on an appellate court’s decision that Emanuel was not able to run for mayor because he did not pass the residency requirement for candidates. The court even called to stop the presses on the Rahm-less ballots. More.

It is obviously fake, but this has made me laugh for the past 24 hours. Ha.

How Long Is This Gonna Take?
Tonight is President Obama’s State of the Union address. So far, we know the speech will focus on jobs and his overview of how to reduce the deficit. He is expected to propose a 5-year freeze on all government spending not related to defense. He is also expected to encourage bipartisan dialog about how to implement that. Yeah, that would make sense since Democrats no longer control the House. More.

Hmm, I wonder how long I will be able to watch before I get bored. I mean it is not like there is a drinking game you can play. OH!

Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan is scheduled to give the GOP response. Then Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann will broadcast her own Tea Party response on the internet. Yeah, because she is credible.

Oscar Snubs!
The Oscar nominations are out. Check them out!
I haven’t seen all the movies nominated, but where in the world was Mila Kunis’ nomination? Not cool, Academy.
Christopher Nolan was also snubbed, even though Inception left me thinking “wha??”
Andrew Garfield was also absent, because he brought some much needed humanity to The Social Network. His freak-out was probably my favorite scene in the whole movie.
Trent Reznor was nominated for scoring of The Social Network. If he won he would be halfway to his EGOT!
I still really need to see Toy Story 3, but from everything I’ve heard I will need to hydrate for a week in advance and have my mom on speed dial. And perhaps a happy pill. My SAD is already too high for that kind of emotion right now.

BarbaWire, Jan. 24

Hey Peeps!

I had a big daily story today and am just getting around to the BarbaWire.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

-B

Rahm Gone?

As of now, former White House chief-of-staff and general bad-ass Rahm Emanuel is out as candidate for mayor of Chicago. Late last year Emanuel was given the go-ahead to run, despite challenges that he was not a Chicago resident. Now, an appellate court has said he is ineligible. The case is now expected to head to the state Supreme Court, hopefully before the February election. More.

Emanuel was considered to be the frontrunner, with President Bill Clinton coming to Chicago to stump for him. Well, hell, does this mean I am going to have to actually read up on the other candidates? Does Carol Moseley Braun have a Chuck Norris-style facts website like Rahmmy? I think not.

Moscow Attacked

Terrorists carried out an attack in a Moscow airport that killed nearly three dozen people and injured 168. This is the fourth bombing in the past year and a half in Moscow, with subway bombs killing 40 people in late 2009 and a bomb on a luxury train killing 28 people in March 2010. More.

Former Facebook Prez Wishes He Was a Tool
Sean Parker, the founder of Napster and the former president of Facebook, does not like his likeness in The Social Network at all, but manages to contradict himself a bit. He calls the character a morally reprehensible human being, but then says he wishes his life was that cool. I think I would just be annoyed with having Justin Timberlake play me. Clearly, Tilda Swinton was the way to go. More.

Is There Juice in Heaven?

Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died on Sunday at 96. I liked the way his energy read through in this obituary from the LA Times. When I started reading the story I was invigorated for my workout tonight, but by the end I was exhausted. Swimming across channels of water handcuffed and shacked while pulling boats? No thanks.
Still, I am getting my second wind – probably from the sucker I just had? – and headed to the gym. I’ll do an extra set of pushups just for you, Jack. More.

Burn, Cutler, Burn

Chicago Bears’ quarterback Jay Cutler was injured in yesterday’s NFC Championship game against the Green Bay Packers. Packers won and are now headed to the Super Bowl where they will face the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Some fans are mad; think Jay should have shuck it off and finished the game. Last night on the news Brian Urlacher said people who questioned Cutler's commitment don’t understand the game. Injuries suck, but it is kind of funny to watch all those people who thought Denver was stupid for trade him burn his jerseys. More.

In related news, the New York Jets lost, but Mark Sanchez smears mocos on a teammate. Gross.

Soap Is Our Friend

Some bored college kid wore the same pair of jeans for 15 months without washing them. He then washed them and wore them again for 13 days. The jeans were swabbed for bacteria before both washes and came back about the same. I have friends that wear the same pair of jeans until they are done and then go buy a new pair, but 15 months is just plain gross.

This story reminds me of when I was working at the Gap in high school. This creepy dude came in and was looking for underwear on sale because he had a “condition” that caused him to fart a lot. Those stink bombs used to eat their way through his chonies and so he needed to replace them often. Yeah.

Ouch!

The Green Bay Packers beat the Chicago Bears today in the NFC championship game. I checked out the Chicago Tribune right after the game ended. Hmm, that Wisconsin couple looks awfully happy. Oh, irony. For details of the game, More.

Keith!

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Keith Olbermann unceremoniously ended his eight-year MSNBC show on Friday night. Whoa, this is shocking! Countdown is MSNBC's highest-rated show, I wonder what happened? Was it money? The Comcast acquisition of NBC? Was it a result of his contribution scandal a few months ago? Oprah offer him a show? More.

Update: I love Bill Maher's reaction. More.

BarbaWire, Jan. 21

Good afternoon, peeps!

Avid BarbaWire reader Lindsey Pounds is now engaged to Craig Liebler. Best wishes, hoosier bride!

Hope you all have a great weekend!


-B

Brrrr Down
It is cold in Chicago. But I mean like really, really cold. I just walked a block for lunch and thought my hands were going to freeze up and fall off. My dad would say “It’s colder than a two-peckered billygoat!” Which must be ironic because you would think such a creature would be, well, pretty hot. Ew.
Anyway, with our friend, the wind chill factor, it was like a bajillion below zero here last night. It is supposed to warm up to a balmy 25 degrees for Sunday’s Bears-Packers game. More.

In the meantime, I’ll just look at this slide show. Not sure if it hurts or helps.

Related: Yeah, it’s pretty. It’s called the alpenglow. You all facebooked it yesterday.

China Now Prefers Pepsi
Muhtar Kent, chief executive of Coca-Cola Co., made the U.S. look like a bunch of ugly Americans this week when he tried to toast Hu Jintao and the Chinese president’s delegation with “kanpai.” Kudos to Kent for trying to get in good with Hu. One problem. That’s Japanese.
Chinese cheers is "ganbei," pronounced gahn-bay. Kanpai must be stuck in his head from all the sake bombs he did in college. KANPAI! Or maybe that is just me.
For Kent, though, it could be worse. My family has this tradition of saying “Three Chinese Cheers” after singing Happy Birthday. “Phooey, phooey, phooey.” I am not joking. More.

In the future, perhaps Kent should engage Rush as his translator? He seems fluent?

Happy Ending Not Happy Enough
Don’t you just hate it when this happens? More.

Google-pon?
Late last year, Google tried to buy Groupon for $6 billion. Groupon turned Google down and is instead pursuing a $15 billion initial public offering. Groupon has done tremendously well by bringing deals to the masses in the Great Recession and has inspired lots and lots of knock-offs, including jdeal, a Jewish-based one that sells stuff like coupons for Kosher delis and therapy. For real.
I like Groupon. I actually have one sitting in my desk. It office is located in the same building as my gym. I actually thought about applying for a job there as a copywriter. One problem, it pays its writers $35,000 a year. Um, yeah, no thanks. I like to afford food.
Anyway, Google will not let a little thing like Groupon passing on its deal to get in on the thrifty action and is launching its own. More.

Mark My Words
The Sanchize. Why didn’t I think of that? This is a great profile about New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez.
The article brings up the flack he caught for wearing a red-white-and-green mouth guard while playing for the University of Southern California. That always angered me. They were playing Notre Dame, home of the Fighting Irish! It is cool for a team’s identity to be based on one ethnicity, but not cool for a player to honor his own?
My only beef with Mark is that he stole Jamie-Lynn Sigler from Turtle. Not cool, dude.
Anyway, go Jets. More.

BarbaWire, Jan. 20

Hey peeps!

Welcome to my first blog post!

Hope all is well in your worlds.
-B

Joe Pesci's Agent Has Never Dialed So Fast
Cue the movie montage! The FBI and local authorities arrested more than 125 alleged mobsters today in New York, New Jersey and Rhode Island in what is being described as one of the biggest take-downs of organized crime in history. The arrests began at dawn. The charges are your standard mobby stuff: racketeering (no idea what that is, really), extortion, loan-sharking, arson, drug trafficking, money laundering, etc. Oh, and murder. To be specific a 1981 double homicide over a spilled drink – kinda like this – and another murder of a man and his pup.

The BarbaWire exclusively learned that this was supposed to go down last week but the weather wasn’t cooperating. I hate that excuse. The mail comes in the snow, no? More.

The biggest conundrum here is who is going to play these guys in the next epic gangster movie? Are we really going to be subjected to Jake Gyllenhaal playing a Colombo mob boss? Here is an idea – let’s use the Jersey Shore kids. I mean at least it would be authentic, right? I mean Paulie D is even from Rhode Island. You know JWoww would do an amazing job playing a modern-day Karen Hill. She would finish the job with Janice Rossi, too. Not just pound on the buttons while crying in the lobby.

Mo Money
So, the economy might be improving a bit. There were only 404,000 new unemployment claims filed last week. For context, that’s the size of Colorado Springs. But it is showing progress, I suppose, since economists had expected 425,000 new claims. A year ago, that number was 489,000. So, we’ve seen a 17% reduction. Continued claims totaled 3.8 million, down 26,000 from the week prior. Continued claims are not always a great gauge of the economy, though, because a reduction doesn’t necessarily indicate that job seekers found work. In many cases, their benefits have run dry. More.

Corn Dogs Are Healthy, Right?
Walmart is teaming up with First Lady Michelle Obama to begin offering healthier options. Hmm. Not sure how I feel about that. More.

I am all for better food, so long as it doesn’t hurt my fun. Note #2 and #4 specifically.

Related: Betty White disagrees.

Mama, I'm Coming Home
Twenty-three years after being kidnapped from a Harlem Hospital, Carlina White has been reunited with her birth parents. This is the kind of story that warms your ice cold heart on gloomy days. It is pretty incredible; White contacted the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children around Christmas time because she had always felt there was something wrong. Hmm, sounds like something I would have done as a kid if I didn’t get the present I wanted. (Who am I kidding? I got everything I wanted. Except my Teddy Ruxpin. No, I am not letting that go. Ever.) Anyway, White was reunited with her parents and her kidnap grandma is trying to spin the story a bit. Shifty old ladies. More.


Speaking of kidnapping, Ling Ling better watch out. I want. Ahhh.

A Bill to Nowhere
With Republicans now dominating the House, they unanimously voted yesterday to repeal the health care bill that was passed last year. Of course, this bill will die in the still Democrat-run Senate, so critics are saying it was a symbol and their good-faith gesture to show voters that they would really, really try to get rid of it. The House Republicans are shooting down that claim. It was not symbolic, they said. OK, so what was it then? Some sort of Don Quixote “Impossible Dream” thing? More.

Speaking of politics, so much for the call for civility. Idiot.

Nets? Nyet.
Carmelo Anthony’s trade to the New Jersey Nets is done. The Ruskie billionaire owner is over it. Hates the way it has played out and says it got too expensive. Do svidaniya. The Chicago papers are saying that the Bulls might try to get him. Vodka.

Related: A reporter literally chasing a story. Run! -- courtesy of Andy V.